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My Funny Valentine

Updated: Nov 26, 2021

I keep re-reading old text & so many times he led me to believe there was hope. Saying things like "maybe you'll be in here in 5 yrs" or "I just need to own what we have." So many times I was led to believe we actually had a chance. WE NEVER DID. We even attempted to be "official" after the loss (which I'll explain later). For our first date as a couple we went to see Amanda Seales', "Smart Funny & Black" comedy show and we had a really good time. We even tripped out about how we'd been doing this whatever it was we were doing for 2.5 years but THIS was our official first date. It's not that we didn't go places, we did often enough but we also enjoyed each other's company so much, that most times talking til 5am about nothing was more than enough...but it's in those hours that you learn the most about people, it's in those hours that even the strongest become vulnerable, it's in those hours that dark becomes light...or light becomes dark. And by sunrise we weren't a couple anymore. It hurt then but it's laughable now.

The crazy part is he overstood how I felt about him & even in his denial, I overstood what I thought were his feelings for me. Sometimes I think about him and the words to H.E.R.'s song Damage pop in my head, "If I let you, you'll take me for granted, yeah (you, you, you, you). If I'm worth more than you could manage, manage, yeah....",.....yeah he could do DAMAGE.

There were so many moments, so many missed opportunities and even as I type this 4 years later I'd be remiss if I didn't tell you I still love him. I do. I used to think when people said it's complicated, that was b.s. but no things can actually really be complicated. There are so many layers and not enough keystrokes to summize it all. Honestly, I don't regret the time spent cultivating nothingness with him because it made me realize people jump into relationships so fast and have no idea who they are dealing with, at least in this case I knew what I was getting. Good, Bad, Ugly, Ugliest.

So, me being of sound mind (lol) and almost always no nonsense, how did I get here? I used to cut people off quick, not because I'm incapable of loving or even scared to for that matter but because I've learned to spot the BS coming. I saw it coming with him but it was different. I was able to be 100% myself and in 34 years that had NEVER happened, not with my ex-husband or past relationships, friends, family, no one. I can't explain the sense of peace you get from being able to just be yourself.

Have you ever met yourself, opposite but equal, that was him? He became my strength and my weakness. --October 2, 2019 my OBGYN called to say my hormone levels were back to normal...and just like that, the last ounce of give a damn that I‘d had about US was gone...right along with the miscarriage. AND STILL somehow all roads led back to him. He was my perfect verse over a tight beat. The calm to my storms. He was perfectly imperfect for me. He was BROTHA TO THE NIGHT lol, the Hov to my Bey, the anchor to my compass, my Forehead Kiss; and alas I guess now a muse of sorts.

The 3rd Agreement of The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz, is "Don't Make Assumptions". THAT is exactly where I went wrong because I assumed he & I would be a forever thing....that was until he said we couldn't spend Valentine's Day together because he didn't want to confuse things. Ironically, I'm not confused at all anymore. It couldn't get any clearer than if Cupid had shot me himself. Ain't that funny? #andstill #love #noforeheadkisseshere

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